For the past six months, I have been struggling and learning about being my best self. Whether that is mental, personally, vocally, or sexually. I think it all started with reading Betsy Blankenbaker’s book Autobiography of an Orgasm and then being able to interview her (Go read and hear that interview here). It is weird that one book has pushed me toward this journey of reconnecting with my body, but it is true and not the only time a book has done this to me. After reading my mentor’s (Dr. Brian Jordan) book Marching Home, I got the inspiration to write about veterans and to try to catalog their histories.
So, you could say books have always been my inspiration.
After starting down the line, I started following these empowered women who talk about sexuality, feminism, femme identity, and sensuality openly and publically. One of these women is Ev’Yan Whitney of Sex Love Liberation. She is a sexual liberation coach and blogger who created the challenge that I am participating in. Along with other hosts, she is putting people the challenge to showcase their sensual self via Instagram. With her permission, I will be documenting my journey through the challenge through pictures and text.
Today was the first day and was kicked off by Melinda Alexander (@mumumansion). She shared her story about not appreciating her body and her path back to feeling sexy in her own skin. Melinda told us to get out our favorite lingerie, pose with some flowers, and feel safe within our sensual selves by showing off the part(s) of our body we do not like.
This is my photo. The caption says it all. I do not feel sexy or sensual because I hate all of my body. It is a sad fact. There are times I feel great about my body, but it is because of how I present or dress it up. I never show it off or flaunt it without hiding or highlighting something else instead.
When I was in my early 20s, I felt sexy and free even though I was in the military. I would flaunt my stuff and be proud of the amount of sex I was having, and I was having lots of sex. I didn’t feel the need to cover up or dress down. It wasn’t until THE INCIDENT that changed my world and my body that I started changing my outlook on how I felt sexually. I still had lots of sex, felt sexy, and sent the occasional nude, but my body started changing in ways I was not happy with. And when I got out of the Army and turned 27, my whole life changed, and my body was the main problem for that change. I also stopped having an abundant amount of sex, which I think in turn made me not feel sexy. I directly correlate my sexual experiences with how I am feeling sexually and mentally. Not because I need the man to find me sexy, but I feel my best because of the chemical stimulus after sex, which in turns makes me feel more sexually liberated. My sexiness is directly linked to my depression though I am sure my therapist would not like to hear that.
So, now that I am taking back my mental health by seeing a therapist and taking medication (a post is coming on this), I want to take back my sexiness. I want to be the sexually liberated and sensual woman I once was. I want to feel sensual, seen and safe to be all these things.
Do you feel sexy and sensual? Tell me in the comments below how you get yourself to feel sexy?